*Originally Posted: January 10, 2009*
The hardest part about getting better is seeking out the help that inwardly you know you need. I’ve known that I’ve needed “help” emotionally for a long time, but I avoided doing something about it because I was too afraid to face the music. Wait… thats kind of a fib. I did get help for awhile… I was seeing a therapist for several months, and then suddenly quit. I blamed it on the commute and the cost of gas, but the real reason I think was because I was starting to scare myself, and I wasn’t quite ready to get better. At any rate the last few months have been incredibly painful for me, and I realized that its now or never. This quest for change started when I had dinner with an acquaintance who has since become a closer friend.
Dinner was nice. We “caught up” and told jokes, and somehow the direction of the conversation turned inward. I found myself explaining how I felt lost and confused, and like I had no grounding or sense of direction. He talked to me about this center called OneTaste, and that night it sounded like the help I was craving. During the two weeks between dinner and my first experience, I did a small amount of research. Direct from their website they say that they are, “an experiential inquiry into the nature of unconditional freedom.” Kinda vague, but I figured I’d give it a shot anyways. You can check out their site, and read their reviews on Yelp (believe me I did, and I almost didn’t go because of it…), but can I tell you that there really is truth behind all this? At least the part I experienced…
Last night I went to the YNow InGroup session, and I didn’t really participate a whole lot. The YNow group is specifically for people ages 18-30, and it pretty much focuses on elements of open and effective communication the whole time. I listened, and focused on what I would say if I were that person up in the hot seat. I felt for the first time that this was a place that I could not lie at, and even though I was not expressing my answers to the group verbally, inside I knew that I was actually being honest with myself.
At the end of it, my friend came over to give me a hug, and I completely lost it. For the first time in years I felt open, and I felt that I was not alone in my own anger and pain. I wasn’t the only one feeling those pressures and judgements, and in a weird way it was incredibly therapeutic. I actually have hope that my pain will heal, and I will be able to not only heal my relationships with the people in my life, but create honest and open relationships with newcomers.
I’ve known that I’ve needed help for a long time. And its was, and still is, difficult to reach out for it. Its sooooo easy to stay the same, and to lock yourself up inside. I’m used to it all… I’m good at ignoring it. But thats not healthy, and life is way too long for it not to be so sweet. So I’m going to go back to YNow and OneTaste, and hope that this is the help that I need. Even if it isn’t, its at least a step in the right direction.